Happy 8th Birthday Lily!

Today we celebrated Lily's 8th Birthday.  I can't believe she is 8 already!  Christylee did an awesome job on her minecraft cake.  She got a ton of toys which I discovered I know nothing about.  What happened to Barbie and My Little Pony?  She got Nom Nom something or other and lots of stuff I'd never seen before.  We celebrated with Pizza and chip and dip.  It was fun visiting with everyone.  It was even better to laugh- we haven't done that much the last few months.  Happy 8th Birthday Lily.  Aunt Melissa and Uncle Luke love you lots!

Life....

The past year has been horribly hard for me and Luke.  My brother passed away in December, and on February 19th, Luke and I went through something no parent should ever have to go through.  I haven't been able to formulate our story lately, but here's to a good try!

On the week of February 19th, we received a call from DHS stating that they wanted to meet with us.  This was nothing new to us- being adopted parents.  We met with the head of adoption for Arkansas as well as another DHS employee.  I handed them a paper that stated everything we had tried, been taught by therapists, the therapists seen, etc. in the 2.5 years that we had had the kids.  We explained to them that we were at the end of our rope in trying to help Robert.  Nothing we were doing was helping and we honestly didn't know where to go from there.  We explained to them that our therapist decided that residential care would be a great option for him.  We were going to follow that path for Robert. 

The head of adoption for the state did not want to hear the Reactive Attachment Disorder diagnosis.  She said we knew about it before we adopted them- which we did not.  I quickly pulled out his psyc. evaluation.  She said RAD was an old diagnosis- not used much anymore.  She and the other employee told us that they would have an interdivisional staff meeting to see where they could help us.  She said that it looked like we had covered our basis, etc.  We actually thought they were going to help us....boy were we ever wrong. 

Two days later, we received notes on our door as well as phone calls from an investigator.  We were being investigated for child abuse.  This investigator along with a supervisor went to the school and interviewed both kids.  Robert and Asia both told numerous lies that day.  When the investigator showed up at our house, she was less than friendly.  We were then interrogated in our kitchen.  She asked about the numerous things Robert had told her.  He stated we locked him in his room at night, didn't feed him meals, and gave him chores.  These said chores would later be called "adult" chores. 

We quickly explained their RAD diagnosis.  The investigator didn't want to hear about any diagnosis.  She accused us of giving up on Robert.  She said we were simply not helping him etc.  We tried to explain away his lies....but she simply would not listen. 

Later that evening, we received the phone call that they were removing the children from our home for a 72 hour hold.  Little did I know- I really thought it was 72 hours.  We packed the kids clothes, gave them pictures of us, fed them dinner, and had them each pick a toy to take with them.  Luke and I remained calm and explained to them that we didn't understand why this was happening.  We prayed protection over them and reminded them that we loved them.  Little did we know, that when they left that night- it would be the last time we would ever see them.

Fast forward 6 months.  Luke and I have spent a ton fighting DHS in an uphill battle.  We have had numerous deposition of DHS employees.  In fact, 3 DHS employees said there was no physical immediate danger in our home.  Therefore, they shouldn't have removed the kids in the first place.  There are so many rules that saline county DHS failed to follow. Of course, they will never admit their mistakes. 

So, after long deliberation and prayer, Luke and I have decided to walk away from both children.  We cannot financially fight the system any longer.   

Luke and I are devastated.  We desperately want to be parents.  We never once treated our children wrongly.  We only tried to help them.  We feel like a failure to the kids when in all reality- the system failed the kids.  People are led to believe that DHS is there to help- well, we haven't seen it at all.  For months, I begged for help for the kids. We received nothing.  DHS only cares about the bottom line....the longer they keep kids in care, the more money they receive from the federal government.

So, this will all end hopefully before the year is up.  We know the Lord has a plan, we just aren't sure what that is right now.  We do know that both kids were saved while in our home.....and as we say in the Kingdom- if only just for one.  So, if that was the reason they were in our home- then their salvation is sealed.  Glory to God for that! 

Kingston's 5th Birthday

Last night we celebrated Kingston's 5th birthday party at the trampoline park.  He had a blast jumping with his friends.  Getting pictures was tough!  He loved his Spider Man themed birthday.  I loved seeing everyone with blue mouths from the icing.  It's hard to believe Kingston is 5.  It was hard being there last night without Chris....I know he was smiling down from heaven.  Happy Birthday Kingston! 

St. Louis and Liverpool

 Our Room in Downtown St. Louis

 The St. Louis Zoo....we didn't stay long that day- it was too hot.  However, I loved seeing the elephants!

 Busch Stadium....Let's go Liverpool!

Luke and I went to St. Louis to see the Liverpool soccer team.  We had a blast trying out diners and places we have seen on Food Network.  Our room was at the Hilton in downtown St. Louis.  We walked to the arch as well as Busch Stadium.  We even went to Ikea and the zoo while we were there. 

The highlight of the trip was seeing the Liverpool Soccer team play.  Chris adored this team.  I cried when they played the song, "You'll never walk alone."  Hearing all the Liverpool fans sing it was really neat.  While waiting to get into the gate at the stadium, the security guys couldn't figure out why all the soccer fans were waiting in line to get in.  They said several times how baseball fans weren't like this.  Nope- soccer fans are dedicated.  In fact, several guys in front of us had their Liverpool flags handing on the railings.  It was really a fun time.  Chris would have been so stoked to be at the game.

Thanks Luke for a wonderful and memorable weekend!

Prayers and Hard Times....

This past 13 years have flown by for me and Luke.  This past year in particular has been a really difficult one for the both of us.  My brother passed away in December of 2015 and in February 2016, Luke and I started a long and difficult road.  If the Lord had told me that in 2 months of losing my brother that my world would be turned upside down, well, I don't think I would have taken it very well. 

To be honest, Luke and I are right smack dab in the middle of a very difficult journey.  I'm not going to share my opinions or the gory details of what all has happened to us, but what I will share is how my heart is being changed by all of it.  I've always heard the saying, "The Lord will never give you more than you can handle," and I don't feel that is always true.  I would like to rephrase that saying into, "the Lord will never give you more than you can handle-ALONE."  He will give you more than you can handle, times when you feel like you are more broken than whole, and times where you are bent beyond recognition- but never broken.  I heard a song the other day that said the Lord wants followers- not leaders.  Well, I'm a leader 100% born and bred.  I love being in control, having things organized just so, and knowing my future.  In these past 5 months, I don't know what our future holds, I'm not in control, and while I'm still organized physically- well, mentally I'm a mess!  In this mess, I'm learning how to follow him, letting go of control, and letting him lead the way.

There have been times these last few months, that I have felt completely alone and isolated.  I have felt betrayed by people who were supposed to help us.  I have been lied to.  I have had things written about me that shook me to the core because of the untruth of it all.

In spite of all of this going on, I have learned that I can finally say, "It is well, it is well, with me."  I know the Lord holds our future.  While I still have dreams and yearnings, I know the Lord knows the bigger picture.  Does this mean I'm not still struggling with it?  No, it means I struggle daily, even minutely, but know that I can come to him at anytime with it.  Currently, I tell him, "Lord, I have nothing to pray today- I've said it all- and just want you to fulfill your plan in my life."  I think He's O.K. with that. 

Luke and I have an important meeting coming up on Friday.  We are praying for the Lord's will to be done.  While we know what we want, we are praying for His will, not ours.  Oh to see the bigger picture someday....