Kingston's 5th Birthday

Last night we celebrated Kingston's 5th birthday party at the trampoline park.  He had a blast jumping with his friends.  Getting pictures was tough!  He loved his Spider Man themed birthday.  I loved seeing everyone with blue mouths from the icing.  It's hard to believe Kingston is 5.  It was hard being there last night without Chris....I know he was smiling down from heaven.  Happy Birthday Kingston! 

St. Louis and Liverpool

 Our Room in Downtown St. Louis

 The St. Louis Zoo....we didn't stay long that day- it was too hot.  However, I loved seeing the elephants!

 Busch Stadium....Let's go Liverpool!

Luke and I went to St. Louis to see the Liverpool soccer team.  We had a blast trying out diners and places we have seen on Food Network.  Our room was at the Hilton in downtown St. Louis.  We walked to the arch as well as Busch Stadium.  We even went to Ikea and the zoo while we were there. 

The highlight of the trip was seeing the Liverpool Soccer team play.  Chris adored this team.  I cried when they played the song, "You'll never walk alone."  Hearing all the Liverpool fans sing it was really neat.  While waiting to get into the gate at the stadium, the security guys couldn't figure out why all the soccer fans were waiting in line to get in.  They said several times how baseball fans weren't like this.  Nope- soccer fans are dedicated.  In fact, several guys in front of us had their Liverpool flags handing on the railings.  It was really a fun time.  Chris would have been so stoked to be at the game.

Thanks Luke for a wonderful and memorable weekend!

Prayers and Hard Times....

This past 13 years have flown by for me and Luke.  This past year in particular has been a really difficult one for the both of us.  My brother passed away in December of 2015 and in February 2016, Luke and I started a long and difficult road.  If the Lord had told me that in 2 months of losing my brother that my world would be turned upside down, well, I don't think I would have taken it very well. 

To be honest, Luke and I are right smack dab in the middle of a very difficult journey.  I'm not going to share my opinions or the gory details of what all has happened to us, but what I will share is how my heart is being changed by all of it.  I've always heard the saying, "The Lord will never give you more than you can handle," and I don't feel that is always true.  I would like to rephrase that saying into, "the Lord will never give you more than you can handle-ALONE."  He will give you more than you can handle, times when you feel like you are more broken than whole, and times where you are bent beyond recognition- but never broken.  I heard a song the other day that said the Lord wants followers- not leaders.  Well, I'm a leader 100% born and bred.  I love being in control, having things organized just so, and knowing my future.  In these past 5 months, I don't know what our future holds, I'm not in control, and while I'm still organized physically- well, mentally I'm a mess!  In this mess, I'm learning how to follow him, letting go of control, and letting him lead the way.

There have been times these last few months, that I have felt completely alone and isolated.  I have felt betrayed by people who were supposed to help us.  I have been lied to.  I have had things written about me that shook me to the core because of the untruth of it all.

In spite of all of this going on, I have learned that I can finally say, "It is well, it is well, with me."  I know the Lord holds our future.  While I still have dreams and yearnings, I know the Lord knows the bigger picture.  Does this mean I'm not still struggling with it?  No, it means I struggle daily, even minutely, but know that I can come to him at anytime with it.  Currently, I tell him, "Lord, I have nothing to pray today- I've said it all- and just want you to fulfill your plan in my life."  I think He's O.K. with that. 

Luke and I have an important meeting coming up on Friday.  We are praying for the Lord's will to be done.  While we know what we want, we are praying for His will, not ours.  Oh to see the bigger picture someday....

Do you know the Muffin Man?

Kingston and I spent the day together.  We went to Target to shop and he found muffin mix.  He wanted to make muffins. So, we did.  We sang, "Do you know the Muffin Man" while working on making the muffins.  Kingston did it all himself, even smashing (cracking) the egg.  I asked him where he learned to crack an egg and he said, "My Daddy taught me."  I teared up for sure.  We set the timer and waited for them to come out of the oven. I smeared butter on his muffin.  He gave it a thumbs up.  After that, we went on a "hike."  I told him I knew where a pond was if he wanted to see it.  We walked or hiked as he said to the other side of the neighborhood.  He threw rocks in the water and was so fascinated by it.  After our walk I needed to get supper started.  I started cutting up a salad.  I asked him if he knew what a bell pepper was.  He got all excited and said, "Yes, I do.  Daddy ate one of those.  He ate one and went to the dentist, and his heart stopped, and the dentist couldn't fix him.  My Daddy died."  I wasn't prepared for that.  I took a deep breath and told him, "Well, you're right.  Your Daddy went to the Dr. though. The dentist helped fix Daddy's teeth.  The Dr. couldn't start his heart again, and he did die."  We both got tears in our eyes. I said, "I miss your Daddy, do you?"  He just shook his head and we hugged it out. 

I had the best time with Kingston that day.  We had lunch with Nana and then it was just the two of us.  He does little things that remind me of Chris.  His laugh- sounds just like Chris when he was little.  It was so easy with Kingston.....so unlike with my kids.  I didn't have to be 5 steps ahead and thinking what they were manipulating me for.  The word no, simply meant NO....no argument needed.  Even when he couldn't see me, he still had a conscience and knew and followed what the rules were.  My kids don't do that.  Spending time with Kingston was not only good for him, but it is so therapeutic for me.  It leaves me wishing Luke and I had done so many things different.  It makes me realize the chaos I live in daily all because my kids's needs weren't met at a young age.  It makes me sad for them, but extremely sad for myself.  Call it selfish if you must, but it's just plain reality. 

I'll keep spending time with Kingston.  Chris would have wanted that.  Aunt Isis can teach him all the things Chris would have wanted him to know.  Family is important for sure.