Prayers and Hard Times....

This past 13 years have flown by for me and Luke.  This past year in particular has been a really difficult one for the both of us.  My brother passed away in December of 2015 and in February 2016, Luke and I started a long and difficult road.  If the Lord had told me that in 2 months of losing my brother that my world would be turned upside down, well, I don't think I would have taken it very well. 

To be honest, Luke and I are right smack dab in the middle of a very difficult journey.  I'm not going to share my opinions or the gory details of what all has happened to us, but what I will share is how my heart is being changed by all of it.  I've always heard the saying, "The Lord will never give you more than you can handle," and I don't feel that is always true.  I would like to rephrase that saying into, "the Lord will never give you more than you can handle-ALONE."  He will give you more than you can handle, times when you feel like you are more broken than whole, and times where you are bent beyond recognition- but never broken.  I heard a song the other day that said the Lord wants followers- not leaders.  Well, I'm a leader 100% born and bred.  I love being in control, having things organized just so, and knowing my future.  In these past 5 months, I don't know what our future holds, I'm not in control, and while I'm still organized physically- well, mentally I'm a mess!  In this mess, I'm learning how to follow him, letting go of control, and letting him lead the way.

There have been times these last few months, that I have felt completely alone and isolated.  I have felt betrayed by people who were supposed to help us.  I have been lied to.  I have had things written about me that shook me to the core because of the untruth of it all.

In spite of all of this going on, I have learned that I can finally say, "It is well, it is well, with me."  I know the Lord holds our future.  While I still have dreams and yearnings, I know the Lord knows the bigger picture.  Does this mean I'm not still struggling with it?  No, it means I struggle daily, even minutely, but know that I can come to him at anytime with it.  Currently, I tell him, "Lord, I have nothing to pray today- I've said it all- and just want you to fulfill your plan in my life."  I think He's O.K. with that. 

Luke and I have an important meeting coming up on Friday.  We are praying for the Lord's will to be done.  While we know what we want, we are praying for His will, not ours.  Oh to see the bigger picture someday....